just more of me getting depressed over stupid shit like my life

so tomorrow the president and princess bacon bit will ride again
we are meeting for lunch
haven't hung out in a few months
she's been busy with school
and I've been busy drinking and working
hopefully we have some fun
I'm really missing my buddy
we haven't talked since saturday
i've sent her 2 text messages
and still no word
and I'm freaking out thinking that she
really does just feel sorry for me
but I know she loves me
its just natural for me to think otherwise
so I am
actually no, i don't know she loves me
I hope she does

I could feel myself getting depressed
but now I'm way past depressed
where was that middle area??
everything sucks
I feel like an idiot for feeling this way
again
because i've been here before
its the same old shit
resurfacing again
I'm 21 not 17
shouldn't I have grown out of this
is this what the rest of my life is going to be like
not trusting anyone
or myself
my family always letting me down
me always doing things whole hearted
and then getting burned
I'm so getting drunk tomorrow
i know why my mom is worried about my drinking...
she know's why I'm drinking so much
and she doesn't want to deal with any of my problems again
and when I say deal I hope you know that means
tossing me aside and refusing to listen to me
the shelf in my closet fell off the wall today while I was gone
its been untouched since I moved in
today everything came crashing down...
how weird is that
a mirror was broken in the mess
cut my thumb in the glass
pulled a half inch long peice from my thumb
It felt nice
but I'm not going to count it as cutting
i'm going to go lay in bed
pretend to be ok and then sleep
hope I don't dream
hope tomorrow something good happens
hope I stop being right

illinois state hospital--A FUCKING JOKE!!!

So my grandmother is in the state psych ward
she's been there for almost 2 1/2 months
been in and out of various hospital psych wards for about 6 months
any way since she got to the state facillity she's lost almost 40 lbs
not because she's on a propper diet
she got an infection and can't wear her dentures
so she can't eat normal food because she can't chew
what are they offering her to eat????
pop-tarts, pizza, hamburgers, and chicken
NOT easy things to eat like soup
they aren't giving her any medications becuase she won't take them
I know she has the right to refuse but she also thinks that
they are going to give her a pill that will make her turn into a demon
that's not someone who is in the right mind to make her own decisions
I went to visit her and was blown away
she doesn't even look like my grandma
she hasn't been sleeping or eating
they haven't given her clean clothes or let her shower
in at least a week
the hospital claims they can't make her do anything
BULLSHIT!!!
I've been in the psych ward before
and I know what its like
my poor grandpa is driving to the hospital almost everyday
and its a 3 hour drive for him to get there
and my grandma won't even see him because she thinks its a trick
we can't get her out of the hospital because they say she's not well enough
but they aren't doing anything to make her any better
i'm so fucking pissed at this entire joke of a system
the doctors don't give a rats ass what happens
they get paid either way
the nurses are complete bitches
and the director says whatever it takes to get you off his back

when i was there for voluntarily for wanting to kill myself
they gave me medications and a 4 page pamplet about depression
what a fucking miracle cure that is
now for my grandma they stick her in a room with a tv
so she doesn't cause any problems
i'm so fucking pissed i dont know what to do

Home again

boy has it been a long time since I was here
hope none of you thought i offed myself

here's the story as short as i can make it
came back from my trip
had a huge fight with my mom
she cancelled my internet while i was gone, even though it was in my name(fucking company!)
so i did the only natural thing, I moved away
been working day and night
and finally after tax refunds
i'm back on the net

milestones: turned 21....it IS more fun than its cracked up to be

so guys i'll see ya around