My Dark Secret

I wish someone would have told me when I was 12
blocking it out would never work
at 17 living in the house with those dreams
weight of the world crashing down on me
dad left, mom in shambles
he moved in with his family to help out
stuck in a trailor, 3 bedrooms
I don't have a door
last time he tried to beat me it came down
someone loves him and now he has a child
I feel like a freak, hate myself
too ashamed to speak my thoughts
"I hope you die!" but mostly
screaming...all my hate voiced in one "AAHH"
constantly in my mind as I try to sleep
he snores, sleeping so peacefully
the sound makes me feel sick
blocking my feelings for years I feel numb
I turned to cutting
my rage
my shame
my despair
focused in that blade running across my body
blinded by tears through red eyes
my scream escapes in that blood
calm settles in and I can breathe
coach gave me a ride home from the game
no one to pick me up again
me the freak enters the door
the happy family sleeping in the livingroom
I can't take anymore
I grab my assortment of meds
take all i have
lay down for my final rest
only thought in my head
"don't let him win"
panic, heart pounding
I puke all I can
back to bed, no one aware
or no one cares
when mom found out
what a shock
she had no clue, why didn't I talk?
we went to therapy
she cried, made it about herself
I back down, I'm cured now
weeks stuck in the deepest of despair
I am ready to talk
I tell my closest friend, my lifesaver
to her, i'm simply someone she can help
mom doesn't believe me
yells at me, why would I lie
how could I hurt him like that
he had to move out, the state believed me
no charges filed, I was quiet too long
his little family never found out
I got sent to the hospital
I tried to get help
finally I learned not to feel
no one cared as long as I acted like them
months went by we finally moved
mom is moving in with her boyfriend
but I get to stay in the apt all to myself!
nope
he broke up with his girlfriend, no where to go
just me and him
living alone
my heart in even smaller pieces than before
a month and I'm ready to burst
a few more months, he's family
almost a year and I'm finally alone
its never mentioned, my pain completely denied
I should have known she wouldn't have picked me to believe
the freak or her first born?
I wish she would love me
at least fake an apology, humor me the least
completely broken I am now
5 years of my life I thought he took
it was gone the first time
here I am the freak
another statistic for a file
millions like me across the world
my pain imagined for a few
you will sleep easy
I sit here haunted, images,smell and taste
fresh forever
he has a life, friends and love
I have a blog that no one reads

*edit* I felt I should add after talking to people that this is NOT about my father

Tangent

There's a song called "Tangent" by Beth Orton
I can't stop listening to it

last night I went to the movies with friends
we saw "a lot like love"
really cute, though I've never seen "when harry met sally"
I've heard they are a like

movie made me sad
longing for that which i've never known
we got in our cars and split for the drive home
dark highway and empty feilds
finally the bright lights of my river city

took a drive through downtown
couples everywhere
doing the Friday night thing
finally I reach home
dark and empty
cold...
crap, I left a window open

I'm tired but not sleepy
killed some time online
crawled in bed, finally warm
no counting sheep
for once I slept
deep but not peacefully
dreams haunting me
I awoke more tired
here's to another saturday
completely uninspired

IF

I had lunch with my mom today
she amazes me
reading the paper inches from her face
eyesight failing
but from across the table
she sees every pore
every imperfection in her creation
she asks why I'm still single
I joke...we've had this talk before
she gives me beauty tips
after a lifetime of hearing it
the words still cut me deep
"you would be so beautiful IF..."
*sigh*
I curse the person who created that word
IF
if only, what if
...who cares
life goes on
bleak and dark
full and bright
my soul burns
but I can't feel the heat
only "if" cutting me deep
"thanks mom I'll try that"
she seems satisfied
*sigh*
I turn to my blog
my happy place

shopping for milk

no, not talking about sex before marraige

I was getting ready to make some spaghetti when I realized I was out of Milk
I HAVE to drink milk with spaghetti...
off to Kroger I went
get to the milk case...
old guy with a cart in front of me
there are 3 different cases full of 2% milk
he's blocking all of them
each case is EXACTLY the same
finally he backs up to the first case
so I go to the third case right in front of his cart
open the door, grab the milk
BAMM! runs into me with his cart
I drop the milk
he asks if he can squeeze in and grab some milk
slightly annoyed I walk to the checkout with cold milk in hand
self checkout is closed? its 8pm....*sigh*
I go to the only open lane
wait 5 minutes
pay $1.09 for the milk
head for the door
who's in front of me walking so slowly
old guy...who didn't buy any milk

Self Injury #1

I haven't cut in 7 months...before that it was a year and 10 months just felt like sharing a poem I wrote durring that time at 4 something in the AM, it took a whole 5 mins....it really sucks, I'm no poet but I still like it.

I Never Knew (april 25,2002)

i never knew that life could hurt so bad
i never knew that i could be so sad
i never knew a blade could feel so good
if i could show my cuts i would
i want to kill whats inside me
before i kill myself
its like a race against myself
and no matter what
i cant win
i never knew i could be so emptyand still feel so much
i never knew i could think and not remember what it was
i didnt know i could be numb
and still cry
that i could talk about my feelings
and still wonder why
why am i here
why do i hurt so much
why do they make me hurt
what did i do
so i cut myself with any means i can find
trying to win this race against time
trying to see if im real
or if this is all some illusion from my messed up mind
i never knew that if i cried for help no one would come
and sooner or later my actions cant be undone
i will cut until i kill myself im running out of time
i dont want to be by myself
alone with my thoughts
i never knew i could hurt so much