i moved

i'm trying out wordpress...
i dunno i think i'll end up staying here
here's the link... (LINK)

what do I do now?

things went from shitty to insane
at least I understood shitty
she left a comment on my myspace
damn myspace...
"Hey girly! Just wondering how
you have been. Long time no see
or chat. Send me a message or something
and let me know whats up."
..umm WHAT THE FUCK!!??!?!?!
I don't understand why she
is saying anything to me
i looked at her myspace
her relationship staus changed
she's single..i can't even
explain how impossible it has been
to keep hopes of that from entering my mind
amazing...3 days ago i would tell you
she hated me, today i'm fighing myself
trying to stop hoping that we had a chance
I didn't message her back right away
I wanted to, I wanted to message her and
tell her how happy i was to hear from her
how much i thought of her
how much i love her
yeah exactly what a terrible idea
I emailed her today
very planned..few details so hopefully
we will have more to talk about later
I hate that, I feel manipulative
She read the message but sent nothing back
so now I'm so confused
i don't understand...
why do i let myself hope so much

Dream

when i dream i see your smiling face
i can hear your sweet laughter
my heart is filled with warmth
i know i am smiling in my sleep
by the time i awake
i can no longer remember your face or laugh
i start another day off knowing that i've lost you yet again
i've stopped living outside of work
when I'm home i just want to sleep
hoping that i'll dream of you again
i re-read all the letters you've sent me
searching for hope that
your love for me was equal to my love for you
if it were i should have found it by now
but i can't bring myself to let go
i miss you
i miss hearing about your day
how you describe things
even when you complained
we ended up laughing
i miss your laugh
i miss your light

where i stood

so boys, girls, and the inbetween...
I need some help
or a swift kick in the ass
probably both

a little over a year ago my best friend stopped talking to me
can't say i blame her, i was a self destructive person
not a good friend to her at all
well i'm still not over it, i still cry a lot about it
for a long time i thought it was just guilt but
lately i'm feeling like its something else
I think I was in love with her...
who am I kidding i was totally in love with her
I just didn't realize it
I never loved anyone before and certainly not a girl
it sucks, i can't tell her
we don't speak, she has been with her bf for over a year
so what do i do?
i'm not sure what moving on means
i don't want to forget her
or forget how much she means to me
honestly i know its crazy but she was my other half
i felt whole around her, i grew so much with her
she was everything i wasn't but same in ways that we met in the middle
its hard to let go of that, its everything i ever dreamed of
even harder to know its my fault we fell apart...
i can't be the only person this has happened to
so anyone who's gotten through it please send some
heartfilled advice my way

the wrong girl

If you have problems and are looking for help..you've got the wrong girl here. I fuck up a lot but I'm not going to lie. I'm honest. That is hard to do and scary for other people...leads to a lot of heartache too...who knew. What can I say about myself right now...well this is my second blog attempt. Once before it was good then i put a picture of myself up and i couldn't be honest anymore about how i was feeling. I didn't want to hurt anyone so I wasn't completely honest...if i wasn't doing that then what was the point. my blog titles are usually songs and if you click on the title there is always a link for the particular song or whatever is relating to the title or blog. Some facts about me...not that i like listing facts but a few details will probably prevent confusion in later posts....I used to self injure, used to abuse alcohol, was sexually abused by my oldest brother from ages 6 to 11, dad abandoned us, grew up poor, i have bells palsy, probably bisexual, born in 1984 (put away the calculator i'm 23 i'll be 24 sometime this year)...i'm going to sleep. if you are going to stick around prepare for some crazy shit.

just more of me getting depressed over stupid shit like my life

so tomorrow the president and princess bacon bit will ride again
we are meeting for lunch
haven't hung out in a few months
she's been busy with school
and I've been busy drinking and working
hopefully we have some fun
I'm really missing my buddy
we haven't talked since saturday
i've sent her 2 text messages
and still no word
and I'm freaking out thinking that she
really does just feel sorry for me
but I know she loves me
its just natural for me to think otherwise
so I am
actually no, i don't know she loves me
I hope she does

I could feel myself getting depressed
but now I'm way past depressed
where was that middle area??
everything sucks
I feel like an idiot for feeling this way
again
because i've been here before
its the same old shit
resurfacing again
I'm 21 not 17
shouldn't I have grown out of this
is this what the rest of my life is going to be like
not trusting anyone
or myself
my family always letting me down
me always doing things whole hearted
and then getting burned
I'm so getting drunk tomorrow
i know why my mom is worried about my drinking...
she know's why I'm drinking so much
and she doesn't want to deal with any of my problems again
and when I say deal I hope you know that means
tossing me aside and refusing to listen to me
the shelf in my closet fell off the wall today while I was gone
its been untouched since I moved in
today everything came crashing down...
how weird is that
a mirror was broken in the mess
cut my thumb in the glass
pulled a half inch long peice from my thumb
It felt nice
but I'm not going to count it as cutting
i'm going to go lay in bed
pretend to be ok and then sleep
hope I don't dream
hope tomorrow something good happens
hope I stop being right

illinois state hospital--A FUCKING JOKE!!!

So my grandmother is in the state psych ward
she's been there for almost 2 1/2 months
been in and out of various hospital psych wards for about 6 months
any way since she got to the state facillity she's lost almost 40 lbs
not because she's on a propper diet
she got an infection and can't wear her dentures
so she can't eat normal food because she can't chew
what are they offering her to eat????
pop-tarts, pizza, hamburgers, and chicken
NOT easy things to eat like soup
they aren't giving her any medications becuase she won't take them
I know she has the right to refuse but she also thinks that
they are going to give her a pill that will make her turn into a demon
that's not someone who is in the right mind to make her own decisions
I went to visit her and was blown away
she doesn't even look like my grandma
she hasn't been sleeping or eating
they haven't given her clean clothes or let her shower
in at least a week
the hospital claims they can't make her do anything
BULLSHIT!!!
I've been in the psych ward before
and I know what its like
my poor grandpa is driving to the hospital almost everyday
and its a 3 hour drive for him to get there
and my grandma won't even see him because she thinks its a trick
we can't get her out of the hospital because they say she's not well enough
but they aren't doing anything to make her any better
i'm so fucking pissed at this entire joke of a system
the doctors don't give a rats ass what happens
they get paid either way
the nurses are complete bitches
and the director says whatever it takes to get you off his back

when i was there for voluntarily for wanting to kill myself
they gave me medications and a 4 page pamplet about depression
what a fucking miracle cure that is
now for my grandma they stick her in a room with a tv
so she doesn't cause any problems
i'm so fucking pissed i dont know what to do