vacation

^^^
I think that speaks for itself
going to visit a friend in the D.C. area
leaving in the morning
I'll be back in 1 week kids
thats next thursday

if i'm not back and you heard about
a young girl getting arrested at the airport
or..... a plane crash
its probably me
but lets hope not

its my first time flying
so I'm going to watch final destination tonight
because someone told me not to

Court with my daddy

went to court with my mom today
started to chicken out a little bit
still scared to get hurt I guess

saw a guy outside the courthouse
looked like my dad
i didn't want him to see me just yet
sat as far away as I could, back to him
stomach in knots
nervous, scared, feeling like a little kid

future step-dad arrives and we head in
the screws in my boots set off the metal detector
my mom used to babysit the kids for the cop that scanned me
small world

saw my dad coming up the steps
my heart started racing
I didn't want to talk to him
but didn't want to be mean...
even though I don't have any real feelings for him

sad
I don't even recognize him
the guy outside wasn't him
sad
he doesn't recognize me
until he sees my mom

sits across and stares at me
I joke about my boots with my mom
avoiding eye contact
god I'm like a 10 year old
this guy is my dad
but he's still a stranger
confusion

lawyers have to settle something..short recess
dad comes over and asks to speak with me
"oh i miss you and love you so much"
sure thats why you call me all the time
his excuse for not speaking to me...
when he left without telling us he was leaving
he called a few months later and I didn't have much to say
he tried to blame me
said that he doesn't call because I hurt him
and he can't handle it

something inside me snapped
I could have beat the shit out of him
all the lies coming out of his mouth
trying to blame me so he feels guilt free
instead I walked away
lip shaking fighting tears

my mom's lawyer and boyfriends pal
is actually concerned
gave the whole its not you're fault
he's a deadbeat dad speech
I finally cry, sob, barely speaking english cry
30-40 seconds and I'm done
pissed because I haven't cried in about a year
and he wasn't worth it

after court he wants to talk again
he got my number and both of my brothers'
he wrote my number and then my name
spelt it wrong...*bastard*
he'll never call
but now he doesn't have an excuse

more lies and trying to blame me
trying to get me to say something to hurt my mom's case
jackass hasn't learned
I grew up with him, I know his games
I haven't broken yet and he knows i'm not going too
invites me to lunch with him and my step-mom
I've never seen her before but he called her my step-mom
more games
finally notices my cast
doesn't ask why i'm wearing glasses
he even says
"I don't know anything about you"
...Understatement

I didn't feel like telling him about
the cutting, suicide attempts, hospital stay,
abuse, drinking, fights, hating myself...
and he sure as hell wasn't going to hear
about the few good times

fuck him and his excuses
easy to say
why does he get under my skin
everything I should have said
is playing in my head
yet again I swallowed my feelings
the world feels like its back on my shoulders

lacking songs for my mood
I'm stuck with these
this one and this one

Manic Monday

Manic Monday was on the stereo this morning
80's flashback song of the day
not how I wanted to start the day off

Someone is moving in across the hall
a young couple, few years older than me
just guessing, I didn't talk to them
took a peek through the peep hole
I hope we never bump into each other
last thing I want is a friend who lives
across the hall

had some friends over
smirnoff ice and a bottle of Captain
rookie tried to be a big drinker like me
she poured half a glass of captain and half of dr. pepper
surprize she couldn't drink it
...alcohol abuse...
I prefer coke or rootbeer...
if I'm not drinking it straight
since she payed for half I can't drink it without her
now the bottle is sitting proudly on the countertop
calling my name
I can almost taste it...yum
it smells great
makes my defenses crumble
makes me happy
I'm not a drunk...yet
I do have a goal to spend 1 week
in a drunken stupor
a week I can remember in pictures
I had a similar night on new years
pictures I don't remember
30+ cherry jello shots and a white bathroom
equals a stained red floor
I also had half of bottle of Captain
and some unfinished margaritas on the table
thats all I remember drinking
I remember shaking on the floor
telling the hostess not to call an ambulance
keeping my eyes closed because when I opened them
I only saw white/yellow
I've never had so much fun

almost 5 months until I'm 21
I made a vow to myself
that night no matter what
I'm living and getting trashed
and doing everything a normal person would
when they turn 21

a broken something

my mom took me to the doctor when I got my x-rays
had to fill out a new patient form
she did it for me
3 brief sections
physical history..broken bones, illness..etc..
family history...heart disease, chicken pox..etc..
mental history...depression, abuse..etc..
I watched as my mom checked her way down the page
then she took a big gasp of air
and skipped the question
it said
history of abuse: mental/physical/sexual....yes or no
when she was done with the page she went back to it
"no right" **this isn't a question**
just leave it blank it doesn't affect my x-ray
**no words for what I was feeling**
she wanted me to say no
she still doesn't believe me
she still manages to get under my skin
x-ray came back
broken thumb...
...broken me

thursday I'm going to court with her
my dad isn't paying up
college expenses, medical...all that jazz
I saw him when I turned 16
we talked for about 10 minutes
then at 18 he came to my high school graduation
talked for 5 minutes
put a 50 in my hand and walked away
he's clueless to everything that happened in my life
I want to sit there
and watch this great sunday school teacher
tell me that he is done being my father
that he doesn't care
...to torture myself maybe...
probably...
I hope his eyes are open
I hope his wife and step-kids are proud
I hope his church loves him still and prays for me
that will solve everything

..I'm getting really tired of everything

I survived Mother's Day

I've been avoiding the computer
I get on to check my e-mail and its 3 hrs before I sign off
Mother's Day was great
my other brother who I love let me ride his YZ125
last time I rode something like that I was 7 and the bike was much smaller
I felt like being a daredevil...
I crashed HARD!
couldn't breathe
everything was in slow motion just like the movies
my entire family is in shock 200 yards away
I get up and flash the rock on sign...
I'm okay wasn't that cool....*oh god that hurt*
pick up the bike that I promised I wouldn't wreck
still can't breathe
my hand hurts a little
wow my brother can run fast
I just stood up and he's already here
"are you okay!?"
yeah, can't breathe though..sorry about the bike
"its fine, sure you're okay?"
*air finally!*
yep can I ride it back?
*I'm such a macho girl sometimes*
whole family watches in suspense as I climb back on
riding back I did 1 hand
my grandma nearly fainted
My uncle gave me a 2 for dismount because I didn't stick the landing
but I got a 10 for rotation
got some awesome road rash on my arm
everyone was a little worried that I was so excited about it
*god people its not like I rubbed my arm in the dirt until it looked like that*
took me about an hour to realize that my thumb was numb and swollen
finally went to the doctor today
its broken
just in time for summer
nice to see that someone missed me =)

Adventures of the President and the Princess

A friend and I went to lunch today
needed something cheap
what better than the local BK
right away she grabbed 2 paper crowns
I refused, foreign nation relations could be strained
(thats an inside joke, you see one night we played presidential asshole and I won, therefore I'm the president)
we had a laugh, people thought we were stupid
sat to eat our food, everyone in business suits staring
she did the proper royal princess wave
that got a few smiles from the room
then we left and went for more fun
her crown was a little tall for the top of my car
she said "I need to have it altered" in a very proper brittish voice
I died, couldn't stop laughing
went through downtown
doing the royal wave
some waved back laughing, others were unapproving
then it happened...
a fresh red light
chinese fire drill
her crown fell off
I got it on the run around
put it on and took a bow
we got cheers and laughs
stupid immaturity...
still makes people smile
and I laughed hard
haven't done so in a while
now its setting on my desk
I thought she forgot it
then I noticed a little message
"prez,
thanks for joining me in bringing laughter and peace to the city"
-Princess ____(sorry no names)
here's to a good day!

All of this past

I've replaced "Tangent" with a new song that I play constanly
"all of this past" by Sarah Bettens
I am in love with this song again
actually the "underworld" soundtrack
"suicide note" Johnette Napolitano
"Rocket Collecting Dust" Milla Jovovich (yes the actress)
"From a Shell" Lisa Germano
I haven't found any correct lyrics for the other songs
you should go here and sample the songs

In the news

a 10 minute overview of the news and you think you know everything
today I quote
"the start of the new week is a bloody one in Iraq"
...like they took the weekend off...morons
and now more complaints about movie ratings
I hate the FCC and organizations alike
they spent about 3 minutes on the movie ratings
and about 2 on the war
cut to Dr. Phil tip of the day...
I don't like that man
and why do I care if the "soup nazzi" from "Seinfeld" is opening his own resteraunt?
how many stories did my local news reporters cover??
one, it was about a local man who gardens
excuse me if I complain about your yearly income...
finally something useful, interview with a church helping in the "race for the cure"
time is up...one last check of the weather high 52...*grr*
I don't know about you, but I'm enlightened

My Dark Secret

I wish someone would have told me when I was 12
blocking it out would never work
at 17 living in the house with those dreams
weight of the world crashing down on me
dad left, mom in shambles
he moved in with his family to help out
stuck in a trailor, 3 bedrooms
I don't have a door
last time he tried to beat me it came down
someone loves him and now he has a child
I feel like a freak, hate myself
too ashamed to speak my thoughts
"I hope you die!" but mostly
screaming...all my hate voiced in one "AAHH"
constantly in my mind as I try to sleep
he snores, sleeping so peacefully
the sound makes me feel sick
blocking my feelings for years I feel numb
I turned to cutting
my rage
my shame
my despair
focused in that blade running across my body
blinded by tears through red eyes
my scream escapes in that blood
calm settles in and I can breathe
coach gave me a ride home from the game
no one to pick me up again
me the freak enters the door
the happy family sleeping in the livingroom
I can't take anymore
I grab my assortment of meds
take all i have
lay down for my final rest
only thought in my head
"don't let him win"
panic, heart pounding
I puke all I can
back to bed, no one aware
or no one cares
when mom found out
what a shock
she had no clue, why didn't I talk?
we went to therapy
she cried, made it about herself
I back down, I'm cured now
weeks stuck in the deepest of despair
I am ready to talk
I tell my closest friend, my lifesaver
to her, i'm simply someone she can help
mom doesn't believe me
yells at me, why would I lie
how could I hurt him like that
he had to move out, the state believed me
no charges filed, I was quiet too long
his little family never found out
I got sent to the hospital
I tried to get help
finally I learned not to feel
no one cared as long as I acted like them
months went by we finally moved
mom is moving in with her boyfriend
but I get to stay in the apt all to myself!
nope
he broke up with his girlfriend, no where to go
just me and him
living alone
my heart in even smaller pieces than before
a month and I'm ready to burst
a few more months, he's family
almost a year and I'm finally alone
its never mentioned, my pain completely denied
I should have known she wouldn't have picked me to believe
the freak or her first born?
I wish she would love me
at least fake an apology, humor me the least
completely broken I am now
5 years of my life I thought he took
it was gone the first time
here I am the freak
another statistic for a file
millions like me across the world
my pain imagined for a few
you will sleep easy
I sit here haunted, images,smell and taste
fresh forever
he has a life, friends and love
I have a blog that no one reads

*edit* I felt I should add after talking to people that this is NOT about my father

Tangent

There's a song called "Tangent" by Beth Orton
I can't stop listening to it

last night I went to the movies with friends
we saw "a lot like love"
really cute, though I've never seen "when harry met sally"
I've heard they are a like

movie made me sad
longing for that which i've never known
we got in our cars and split for the drive home
dark highway and empty feilds
finally the bright lights of my river city

took a drive through downtown
couples everywhere
doing the Friday night thing
finally I reach home
dark and empty
cold...
crap, I left a window open

I'm tired but not sleepy
killed some time online
crawled in bed, finally warm
no counting sheep
for once I slept
deep but not peacefully
dreams haunting me
I awoke more tired
here's to another saturday
completely uninspired

IF

I had lunch with my mom today
she amazes me
reading the paper inches from her face
eyesight failing
but from across the table
she sees every pore
every imperfection in her creation
she asks why I'm still single
I joke...we've had this talk before
she gives me beauty tips
after a lifetime of hearing it
the words still cut me deep
"you would be so beautiful IF..."
*sigh*
I curse the person who created that word
IF
if only, what if
...who cares
life goes on
bleak and dark
full and bright
my soul burns
but I can't feel the heat
only "if" cutting me deep
"thanks mom I'll try that"
she seems satisfied
*sigh*
I turn to my blog
my happy place

shopping for milk

no, not talking about sex before marraige

I was getting ready to make some spaghetti when I realized I was out of Milk
I HAVE to drink milk with spaghetti...
off to Kroger I went
get to the milk case...
old guy with a cart in front of me
there are 3 different cases full of 2% milk
he's blocking all of them
each case is EXACTLY the same
finally he backs up to the first case
so I go to the third case right in front of his cart
open the door, grab the milk
BAMM! runs into me with his cart
I drop the milk
he asks if he can squeeze in and grab some milk
slightly annoyed I walk to the checkout with cold milk in hand
self checkout is closed? its 8pm....*sigh*
I go to the only open lane
wait 5 minutes
pay $1.09 for the milk
head for the door
who's in front of me walking so slowly
old guy...who didn't buy any milk

Self Injury #1

I haven't cut in 7 months...before that it was a year and 10 months just felt like sharing a poem I wrote durring that time at 4 something in the AM, it took a whole 5 mins....it really sucks, I'm no poet but I still like it.

I Never Knew (april 25,2002)

i never knew that life could hurt so bad
i never knew that i could be so sad
i never knew a blade could feel so good
if i could show my cuts i would
i want to kill whats inside me
before i kill myself
its like a race against myself
and no matter what
i cant win
i never knew i could be so emptyand still feel so much
i never knew i could think and not remember what it was
i didnt know i could be numb
and still cry
that i could talk about my feelings
and still wonder why
why am i here
why do i hurt so much
why do they make me hurt
what did i do
so i cut myself with any means i can find
trying to win this race against time
trying to see if im real
or if this is all some illusion from my messed up mind
i never knew that if i cried for help no one would come
and sooner or later my actions cant be undone
i will cut until i kill myself im running out of time
i dont want to be by myself
alone with my thoughts
i never knew i could hurt so much