Court with my daddy

went to court with my mom today
started to chicken out a little bit
still scared to get hurt I guess

saw a guy outside the courthouse
looked like my dad
i didn't want him to see me just yet
sat as far away as I could, back to him
stomach in knots
nervous, scared, feeling like a little kid

future step-dad arrives and we head in
the screws in my boots set off the metal detector
my mom used to babysit the kids for the cop that scanned me
small world

saw my dad coming up the steps
my heart started racing
I didn't want to talk to him
but didn't want to be mean...
even though I don't have any real feelings for him

sad
I don't even recognize him
the guy outside wasn't him
sad
he doesn't recognize me
until he sees my mom

sits across and stares at me
I joke about my boots with my mom
avoiding eye contact
god I'm like a 10 year old
this guy is my dad
but he's still a stranger
confusion

lawyers have to settle something..short recess
dad comes over and asks to speak with me
"oh i miss you and love you so much"
sure thats why you call me all the time
his excuse for not speaking to me...
when he left without telling us he was leaving
he called a few months later and I didn't have much to say
he tried to blame me
said that he doesn't call because I hurt him
and he can't handle it

something inside me snapped
I could have beat the shit out of him
all the lies coming out of his mouth
trying to blame me so he feels guilt free
instead I walked away
lip shaking fighting tears

my mom's lawyer and boyfriends pal
is actually concerned
gave the whole its not you're fault
he's a deadbeat dad speech
I finally cry, sob, barely speaking english cry
30-40 seconds and I'm done
pissed because I haven't cried in about a year
and he wasn't worth it

after court he wants to talk again
he got my number and both of my brothers'
he wrote my number and then my name
spelt it wrong...*bastard*
he'll never call
but now he doesn't have an excuse

more lies and trying to blame me
trying to get me to say something to hurt my mom's case
jackass hasn't learned
I grew up with him, I know his games
I haven't broken yet and he knows i'm not going too
invites me to lunch with him and my step-mom
I've never seen her before but he called her my step-mom
more games
finally notices my cast
doesn't ask why i'm wearing glasses
he even says
"I don't know anything about you"
...Understatement

I didn't feel like telling him about
the cutting, suicide attempts, hospital stay,
abuse, drinking, fights, hating myself...
and he sure as hell wasn't going to hear
about the few good times

fuck him and his excuses
easy to say
why does he get under my skin
everything I should have said
is playing in my head
yet again I swallowed my feelings
the world feels like its back on my shoulders

lacking songs for my mood
I'm stuck with these
this one and this one