I wish someone would have told me when I was 12
blocking it out would never work
at 17 living in the house with those dreams
weight of the world crashing down on me
dad left, mom in shambles
he moved in with his family to help out
stuck in a trailor, 3 bedrooms
I don't have a door
last time he tried to beat me it came down
someone loves him and now he has a child
I feel like a freak, hate myself
too ashamed to speak my thoughts
"I hope you die!" but mostly
screaming...all my hate voiced in one "AAHH"
constantly in my mind as I try to sleep
he snores, sleeping so peacefully
the sound makes me feel sick
blocking my feelings for years I feel numb
I turned to cutting
my rage
my shame
my despair
focused in that blade running across my body
blinded by tears through red eyes
my scream escapes in that blood
calm settles in and I can breathe
coach gave me a ride home from the game
no one to pick me up again
me the freak enters the door
the happy family sleeping in the livingroom
I can't take anymore
I grab my assortment of meds
take all i have
lay down for my final rest
only thought in my head
"don't let him win"
panic, heart pounding
I puke all I can
back to bed, no one aware
or no one cares
when mom found out
what a shock
she had no clue, why didn't I talk?
we went to therapy
she cried, made it about herself
I back down, I'm cured now
weeks stuck in the deepest of despair
I am ready to talk
I tell my closest friend, my lifesaver
to her, i'm simply someone she can help
mom doesn't believe me
yells at me, why would I lie
how could I hurt him like that
he had to move out, the state believed me
no charges filed, I was quiet too long
his little family never found out
I got sent to the hospital
I tried to get help
finally I learned not to feel
no one cared as long as I acted like them
months went by we finally moved
mom is moving in with her boyfriend
but I get to stay in the apt all to myself!
nope
he broke up with his girlfriend, no where to go
just me and him
living alone
my heart in even smaller pieces than before
a month and I'm ready to burst
a few more months, he's family
almost a year and I'm finally alone
its never mentioned, my pain completely denied
I should have known she wouldn't have picked me to believe
the freak or her first born?
I wish she would love me
at least fake an apology, humor me the least
completely broken I am now
5 years of my life I thought he took
it was gone the first time
here I am the freak
another statistic for a file
millions like me across the world
my pain imagined for a few
you will sleep easy
I sit here haunted, images,smell and taste
fresh forever
he has a life, friends and love
I have a blog that no one reads
*edit* I felt I should add after talking to people that this is NOT about my father
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4 comments:
I'm here and I listen between the lines.
Eyes wet in front of my monitor because you are so young.
20 should be better than this.
Breathe deep, girl.
You're not alone. And you have a lot more inner strength than you realize. You're right that you can't block it -- you have to deal with it. But you don't have to deal with it alone.
I had bells palsey a couple of years ago. Sucks to have to tape your eye shut at night. I read on a blog board that chewing gum can strengthen the facial muscles, and it seemed to help.
gina
http://findingmygroove.blog-city.com
You are not alone. I know that I don't know you but my heart hurts for you. I will pray for you, that you find closure & healing. Don't let him steal anymore years away from you. You have your whole life ahead of you & it can be wonderful!
Love
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